A Word On Depression and Anxiety
Every day people say horrible things to me, constantly judging me, tearing me down, and invalidating me. Sometimes it’s my friends, sometimes it’s my family, other times it’s just me looking in a mirror.
It starts first thing in the morning when I open my eyes and I feel gross by the time I get out of the shower.
Most of these things never actually come out of another person’s mouth though. We can say “this isn’t real” but the fact it’s all in my head makes the feelings and emotions no less real.
All this hatred and anger and loathing is real, it’s in me and it wants to gnaw away at me. It takes the form of any person who it would hurt the most to hear it from, or sometimes twists a memory into something dark and demeaning.
Sometimes it feels like nobody is listening and everyone hates me; that every person I walk by is judging me. I can even hear it as clear as if they were spitting it in my face.
The hardest part is reminding myself the killer is inside the house. It’s not coming from them but all this loathing and hatred is inside me… and I can make it better. I can sooth all the anger and spite.
I’m talking about me, in the first person because this is who I am and what I have lived with every day of my life as far back as I can remember. However this also can be you. Maybe you feel this way too and that’s why I am sharing this. I really hope you too also can remind yourself that these feelings are inside you but they are not “just” inside you. They are real hurtful feelings that want to tear you down. You can’t ignore them because it won’t make them go away, they will only fester and get worse.
I have my friends to talk to, not just endless shouts into the void like this blog post or twitter rants, but people I have found to spend time with and talk out our feelings and love and support each other. I also have a therapist who helps me center myself, realign my expectations, and be happier. I have family, both natural and chosen, who love and support me and I love and support through all our flaws and missteps because that’s what family does.
You may not have all these things, but I really hope if you have a cascade of voices telling you how horrible you are and how every choice you have made is a bad one you can still reach out and listen to a real voice who can tell you how special and valid you really are.
Because you are valid, and awesome. I can promise you that you do deserve to be happy. While it won’t always be easy you can be happy too.
If you don’t feel you have anyone, ping me; let’s talk. I can’t promise I’ll always be the person you need to talk to but maybe I can at least help.